All my life, since I was a child.
I’ve taken broken things apart.
And learned how they work.
Then I fixed them.
Ok, ok… I admit it, I took things apart that weren’t broken too.
That used to make mom so angry!
I have a couple points to make about this, but this story comes up in memory.
I remember one time as a child, I think maybe I was 9 years old.
I was observing my dad as he was working on fixing the broken washing machine.
This is such a good memory; I can still see it in vivid detail.
He was struggling trying to figure out what he didn’t know. He was cussing, getting so mad.
I think he was about to give up at a point, because he couldn’t figure it out.
That was when I said, why don’t you just remove the top cover so you can get in that way?
I remember he stopped, he looked at the washer, then he said, “how do you suppose I do that?” (In a tone that was testing me because he was sure that he was smarter) and I said, “the same way you just took the back off.”
I remember his silence as he stood there and looked at the washer, then he said, “you’re a fucking genius” and he said it with so much admiration and love, I felt so good!
I remember looking into the other room where mom was sitting, and she started smiling and grinning so big. I could feel her energy too, she was so proud of me. I felt so proud of myself!
So, there are two parts to this that are important for me to look at:
- Despite a lot of trauma, some from my parents, my life wasn’t always full of suffering. My parents weren’t bad parents, they were loving parents who did the best they could. There were many moments like these that exalted me, but the darkness of resentment covers them up and I sometimes forget about them.
- I became Mr. fixit. Word got out. People that knew me were bringing things to me so I could fix them. And so, I learned… I took things apart and I studied how they worked and if I had the right tools and parts, I fixed them. Now here I am as an adult, with my own business, people paying me money to fix things.
The point of this being:
I can fix anything I put my mind to.
I can fix anything I put my heart into.
Not exaggerating, I have skills to figure out how to take apart and fix pretty much anything. I often get things in my shop that I have no idea how it’s put together or how it works… but I have skills that allow me to figure it out.
So, yes, I can fix me too.
I have this gap between who I am and how I present myself to the world. That gap is filled with resentment from things that happened to me as a child and things that made me ‘different.’
One of those things that I can now identify at the root is my hearing disability, because from as far back as I can remember, at 5yrs old, kids labeled me as stupid, different, and I was rejected and led to believe I wasn’t worthy.
Those experiences led to anger, fear, shame, guilt… and those emotions led to low self-esteem, a facade… a personality to cover up that embarrassing me, behaviors to support the facade, habits to avoid the embarrassment, and suffering.
But the person who I am today, can absolutely fix me.
I have the skills to figure me out.
I have the capability to take me apart.
I have the intelligence to understand me.
I have the wisdom to separate productive from destructive emotions.
I have the strength to hold fast to my goals.
I have the power to release everything that doesn’t serve my mission.
I am the creator of my life.
Healing and change are commands that I have the power to make happen.
You are capable too!
