My healing journey has taken me way back to where I have identified some resentment started, which grew into anger, hatred, shame, guilt…
Sometimes it feels like I am not making any progress but then I realize, yes, I am.
So, this morning, after writing in my journal about identifying where resentment started, and acknowledging the gap that it created, and affirming that I can absolutely get under the roots and dig them up, and prevent those old thought patterns from reoccurring…
I took a break.
Did a little cleaning, ate a cinnamon roll that I made last night, pooped 💩, washed my face…
Then I got a cold beverage out of the fridge and while standing and looking outside, sort of reveling in my progress, out of the corner of my eye this ridiculously large book I have on human anatomy, with these huge picture pages that fold out, caught my attention so I decided to look at it while pondering the things I just wrote about in my journal. I wanted to look at the anatomy of the brain, specifically.
So i take the book and go to my kitchen, I set my drink down on my kitchen island, I set the book down on my kitchen island and open it up and I remember this little voice that said, “you better move that can or you’re going to knock it over with these pages… but did I listen?
Did I move the canned cold beverage I just opened?
I heard the voice in my head telling me to stop and move it!
So I knocked the can down, it was nearly full, and now it’s all over my floor.
Of course, my first reaction was, “ahh fuck!” Then I proceeded in my old habit of cussing and blaming the book, and the can… but I quickly recognized this pattern and stopped myself.
My dogs came to investigate and taste the drink… then I started to laugh at myself, talking to myself like some lonely, desolate old lunatic, “you told yourself to move it, but did you move it?! No! You proceeded to ignore it and then you spilled it, this is your own fault, you threw up the red flag, then you walked right past it and reaped the consequences that you knew awaited if you didn’t move the can.”
How the hell am I gonna fix myself! 🤪
(Sarcasm and humor: I know I’m making progress! 🙂)
